You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
