You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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