I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
