so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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