There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
