The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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