that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize