i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
