Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
