So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
