I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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