Me. At least after what I've been through.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
