About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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