I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize