Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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