idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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