sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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