Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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