my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
