When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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