I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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