god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
