He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
