Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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