After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
