why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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