I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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