I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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