This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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