Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
