just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
