Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
