Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
