Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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