Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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