She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
