i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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