I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize