I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want to make a zoo with you.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
