new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
