I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I cannot find my penis.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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