why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
