I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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