Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
