I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is it penis luge time yet?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
