I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
