I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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