God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
