remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
