so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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