I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
