Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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