Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
