His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
