FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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