If i come over, it means nothing
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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