this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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