I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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