is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
